awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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