His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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