I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
