I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
