Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
