She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
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my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.