"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"