I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
