I just threw up on my dentist
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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