I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
