You're my little dorito
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
