Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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