I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
