Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
