Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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