Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
