Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
