i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
