what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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