Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
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You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
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doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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