Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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