She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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