I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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