dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize