haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
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Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
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She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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