Pappa wants mamma naked
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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