As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
