My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
