woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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