I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
