I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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