omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize