I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
