marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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