We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
