The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
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yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
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We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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