Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(614): View more from Ohio

She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

it was like his penis was on wheels.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

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(703): View more from Virginia

If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something

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(541): View more from Oregon

I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.

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