i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
