if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
