Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
