i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
