I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
