wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
