I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
