No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
