i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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