I cannot find my penis.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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