can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
