I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
