well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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