I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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