I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
