WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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