Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
