My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
