the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
