Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
