It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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