DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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