My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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